Don't tell anyone I suck
For the record, Wiz Khalifa is not very good. If you’re a self-respecting adult, you know this. If you’re rolling on E and suffering from heat stroke at Coachella, you apparently don’t because he was one of the most anticipated performers at the event this year. Of course, popular opinion is negligible when it comes from wayfarer wearing scum who pay $300 to listen to 4 bands play at the same time, but it’s still mind blowing. As a lyricist, he’s an abject failure. Exhibit A:
I’m sipping Clicquot and rocking yellow diamonds
So many rocks up in my watch I can’t tell what the time is
Gotta pocket full of big faces
Throw it up cuz every nigga that I’m with tailored
First, lest you think that was a cherry picked quote from Khalifa at his weakest, this is an excerpt from his biggest hit, “Black and Yellow.” Now, it’s a bit of a rube’s game to sit back and say, “Wait a minute, those lyrics don’t rhyme” (though they don’t). You’ll get no argument here about the free verse cop out, but we’ll give Wiz and Walt Whitman the same license. However, it’s fair game to say, “Wait a minute, those lyrics don’t make any fucking sense,” because they don’t. Why does your friends having tailored clothing necessitate..forget it.
And his voice is worse than his rhymes.
Somehow, despite running a deficit on talent, there is this idea going around that Wiz Khalifa is a completely legitimate recording artist. Enough that he earned Rolling Stone’s “Hip Hop Rookie of the Year” honors. But how could such a fraud take place? Go with us on this:
It's all this bitch's fault
A poisonous concept seeped into the drinking water following the success of Lady Gaga. That being, if you pile on enough bullshit, you don’t have to actually make music. For example, if everyone is talking about your meat dress at the VMAs, no one is talking about the fact that you’re just doing an amped up Madonna bit whenever you aren’t passing off Madonna’s songs as your own.
This notion is slightly different for rappers but it’s the same principle. You can’t show up in a jacket made of Muppet Babies and talk about the streets, but turn that blank canvas you call a torso into a laundry list of virtues like “Faith” and “Honor” written in cursive, and you’re well on your way to instant eccentric artist status. Now take pictures of pot smoke rolling out of your nostrils and get a little crazy with the hairstyle so everyone knows you’re not gonna play by society’s rules. Boom! You are the mean street equivalent to Queen Green up there.
Apparently it has to be put it into words; having a whacky wardrobe and/or a lot of tattoos doesn’t make you creative or talented by default. This goes for you too Lil Wayne, Ke$ha, Nicki Minaj, and Soulja Boy Tell Em (A Toxpop favorite). If one more brain dead bitch or jerk off college freshman tries to argue “Weezy is so deep,” things are gonna get real punched-in-the-facey, because no he fucking isn’t. The oddball musician act is a little transparent, and without an actual musical act to back it up, it’s a little sad. These people are really just one-upping, clown-ass, caricatures of cartoons. And they’re about as artistically relevant as a caricature compared to Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam.
Jay-Z goes to his concerts in jeans and a t-shirt and puts down maybe the best rap music ever. When Alicia Keys takes a break from being the hottest woman in music to wail on the piano and belt out a hit she wrote herself, it’s perfection personified. These two worked together in 2009 and recorded one of the best songs of the year, “Empire State of Mind.” Dread the day that Gaga and Khalifa collaborate, but keep your fingers crossed that the dizzy mooks who gobble that shit up also get seconds on the Kool-Aid.